Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Everyone says I win the strip club
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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