my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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