your parents love me but you hate me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
