yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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