OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
