It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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