i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
