So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
