he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
