When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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