i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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