I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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