i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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