I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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