my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
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kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
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Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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