The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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