His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
