Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he was CRYING into my vagina
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
