I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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