1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
