I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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