OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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