Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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