New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
