what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
