I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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