Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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