No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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