guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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