I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
