I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
