i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
