If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
