You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
