3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
