Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
