I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i out mim tonsoeep
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