Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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