i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
