the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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