cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She swung at the pinata with crutches
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
