ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
