mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize