I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.