I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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