At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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