i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
