I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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