Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
