Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
