She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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