Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
