man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
